How to throw a Labor Party...

I was going to write about the Tax Forum that is currently underway in Canberra... but I got about 1 sentence in and lost interest. It is a talkfest, plain and simple. For two days representatives from business and community groups, as well as the motley crew of the unholy Labor-Greens-Independent Alliance, will yabber on about how “the system is broken” and that there “needs to be change”, without actually doing anything. Bob Brown will undoubtedly have his stock standard tirade over big corporations and the evils of capitalism and freedom (can’t let the plebs have too much power, Comrade...). However the Tax Forum did get me thinking, not about the economy, but rather high-school politics and the ‘popularity game’. You see I have just caught up with some old friends from high-school and we were chatting about the good ol’ days and a few of the memorable parties that had been thrown... which is when I suddenly saw some parallels between alcohol fuelled teenage shenanigans and the current parliament.

Let us start, of course, with Julia Gillard. Within her circle of friends she is not nearly as popular as she once was and, in attempt to remain Queen of the Classroom, has invited everyone round to her place for a party. You see her parents are away and have been silly enough to trust her with their very expensive home which, given the global economy, is looking far better than the neighbours (especially that Greek family’s home down the street...). Wanting to ensure that her place at the top of the pecking order goes unchallenged, Little Miss Gillard invites not only her core social network, but a few others to shore up her power base...


"Why didn't I get an invite, Julia? I know how to throw a WINNING party!"

With the jelly shots setting in the fridge the first guests arrive exactly on time which is, of course, a social faux pas; everyone knows that it is fashionable to show up 1 to 1 and a half hours late... Who is at the door? Why, it is Bobby and his band of eco-whinger; you know the type, self-righteous, constantly lecturing you about recycling, annoying and very, very, uncool. They are socially inept, bringing organic snacks and rainforest friendly dip; Gillard doesn’t want what they are offering, but has to accept it if she wants their support. “So much for my promise of no tasteless bland snacks under any party I throw...” Gillard muttered to herself as the nerds come in, all the while complaining about the how difficult the drive over was and wondering why no-one has introduced a congestion tax.

Next we have one of the school’s most annoying pair, Oakeshott and Windsor. Little Miss Gillard was initially surprised that they showed up, given how badly they will get beaten up for even being seen in the same district as her. They don’t seem to mind all that much, they are just glad to have some new found popularity, despite not realising that most people hate them and think they are a pair of idiots! The little pesky kid Wilkie also shows up... demanding that there should be no gambling at this party and if there was he was leaving! For some reason he seemed to be under the impression that people cared about what he had to say...

"Just so we're clear, you are not invited to my party, Kev... Please don't cry again..."

Slowly Julia’s real friends started showing up... although there seemed to be far fewer than the last time she threw a party (that was before August 2010...). Her bestie, Wayne, followed her around the whole time, worried that his former friend Kev would beat him up. Of course Kev couldn’t make it to the party, he was too busy jetting around the world trying to get over his break-up with Julia... they had worked so well together... then she cheated on him with those damn thugs, the Faceless Boys. The Faceless Boys were there as well; despite being from another school they still thought that they could tell Julia and friends what to do...

While it would seem that Gillard had invited everyone she could think of, there were some notable exceptions, such as that lad from the Catholic School that she had been fighting with. Julia would always bump into Tony on her way to school, and he would always block the footpath and not let her pass. “You won’t get pass me! Ner ner ner ner!” Tony would taunt, laughing in an abrupt, course fashion. “Stop it Tony! You just get in the way for the sake of it! Be constructive for once!” Julia would complain, despite knowing that Tony was smarter and more popular than she was... and that was why she was secretly in love with him...

"I'm sorry, you think I'M crazy?! Have you SEEN Bob Brown?!"

As the night progressed the party degraded into a shambolic display. The Faceless Boys and their thugs tried to bully their way through the crowd, damaging and destroying whatever they could. Bobby and the eco-nuts hid out in the backyard and smuggled in a bunch illegal foreign gate-crashes, despite Julia telling them she didn’t want them in her party (she secretly did, but what would the neighbours think?). Garret jumped on the karaoke and belted out some tunes, while Craig tried to mount anything that moved. Eventually the party wrapped up; the house had been practically destroyed and Julia it seems emerged just as unpopular as before, despite making out with everyone at the party...

When Julia’s parents got home they were horrified to see the damage that had been done to their beloved home. The damage bill would be in the billions, all thanks to the foolishness of her and her friends. “Why can’t you be more like that Abbott boy?!” Julia’s parents scolded “Do you realise how much debt we are going to incur because of your stupidity, young girl?!” With that her parents went to see their friendly local banker, a Chinese fellow with a bright red tie and a big smile. Business had been booming for him lately; there had been lots of naughty liberal minded children causing a great deal of damage in the neighbourhood...