BREAKING NEWS: JULIA CURTAINS, ZOMBIE NUDGES OUT CREAN FOR TOP JOB

In another astonishing move the ALP's Faceless Men has toppled their 2nd first term PM in just over a year. What is more shocking is who will replace Julia Gillard in the top job. Early reports suggested that Simon Crean and Kevin Rudd were the front runners, but Labor's caucus has selected none other than war time leader John Curtin's reanimated corpse.

"Well we went with Curtin's corpse simply because we felt that the electorate would identify with it more than the less human Kevin... plus it is far more interesting the Crean," Faceless Man Paul Howes stated. "The change shouldn't shock the electorate too much, we have simply moved from one dead PM walking to another, it is just that Curtin isn't so on the nose with voters... unless of course they get close to him..."

There were initial concerns about Mr Curtin's eligibility to ascend to the position of PM, given the notable handicap of not being a current sitting member of Parliament. This was swiftly resolved in the party room, with Zombie Curtin devouring Craig Thomson and thereby taking his seat (as is outlined in the constitution). Devouring Thomson and taking his seat resolved both the Thomson Affair and allowed Curtin to run for the party leadership unopposed.


Is Australia ready for its first reanimated PM?

The move seems to be working with voters, with Curtin's approval rating running through the roof. "Well I would vote for Curtin," one voter told us, "The ALP's brain dead policies make more sense now that they have an [openly] brain dead leader..."

Zombie Curtin's inaugural speech left some confused, but was generally well received (far more so than Gillard's 'Moving Forward' monstrosity...). Here is a short extract:

"Brains... BRAINS!... Government lost its way... NO BRAINS! We need BRAINS to move nation forward... invest in education... support those juicy brains..."

Sensing that the tide was moving against them, the Federal Coalition has moved quickly to depose Tony Abbott and install the only Liberal leader who cannot fail. Elected unopposed after travelling back in time to save Australia, Cyborg John Howard will contest the next election... I knew he'd be back...!